Ken: I just don't know who I am without you.
Barbie: You're Ken.
Ken: But it's Barbie and Ken. There's no just Ken. That's why I was created. I only exist within the warmth of your gaze. Without it, I'm just a little blond guy who can't do flips.
This is the blog you have all been waiting for – my review of the current blockbuster, Barbie.
Not that I actually went to the cinema despite the pleas of my daughters. Here I recall the quote from Peter Greig: “Greater love has no man than this… that he accompanieth his wife to the Barbie movie.”
No, one family member very kindly paid for the stream on my Amazon account, and so Jacqui and I settled down to watch it last night.
An extraordinary film, loads of pink with brilliant Barbie-inspired sets (filmed, as it happens, in the Warner Brothers studio in Hertfordshire). It just bounces along like a pinball machine: lots of pings, flashing lights and unexpected trajectories.
I think at this point I need to issue a spoiler alert. There is a plot, kind of, slightly wacky but we are heading somewhere. The ultimate destination is for Barbie to visit a gynaecologist. And there the film signs off.
However, to fully appreciate this Mattel-inspired film you need a working knowledge of Barbie dolls, and especially the discontinued models. We had a few Barbies in the vicarage over the years, along with her various outfits and sets. I half-remember Barbie’s caravan but little else.
Only this morning do I discover that Allan, who has an ongoing presence in the film, was marketed in 1964 as Ken’s friend. The important thing to know about Allan is that he helpfully fits into Ken’s clothes. In other words, he is entirely superfluous.
For everything, of course, is made for Barbie – it’s her world. Including Ken, who is no more than an accessory. As Helen Mirren, the film’s narrator, helpfully informs us: “Barbie has a great day every day, but Ken only has a great day if Barbie looks at him.”
After a 2001 Space Odyssey prologue in which we are introduced to Barbie as the subverter of all little girls’ dolls, we find ourselves in Barbieland, where Mirren tells us that “Thanks to Barbie all problems of feminism and equal rights have been solved”.
It’s a feminist paradise, where the Barbies hold prestigious jobs such as doctors, lawyers and politicians while the Kens merely spend their days playing at the beach - that’s all they do. Ken can’t even surf. Wimp.
As Stereotypical Barbie tells us: “It is the best day ever. So was yesterday, and so is tomorrow, and every day from now until forever.” She explains: “Every night is girls’ night.”
I’m sure it helps for this fantasy world to flourish that all Barbies and Kens are surprisingly asexual.
Ken: I thought I might stay over tonight.
Barbie: Why?
Ken: Because we're girlfriend and boyfriend.
Barbie: To do what?
[pause]
Ken: I'm actually not sure.
And that’s where the film takes off This fantasy world, a world I guess to which many would aspire to, lacks any depth, no messy relationships, no dreams dashed, no Everton being relegated. If it’s your idea of heaven, then you are in the wrong place.
Suddenly during a pink-inspired song- and-dance routine, Barbie somehow mentions death. Everyone comes to a complete stop, horrified and confused. Barbie has a full-on existential crisis.
Lots of adventures follow as Barbie and Ken encounter the real world. However, the denouement for Barbie comes when she meets her creator, Ruth Handler, who gave the world its first Barbie doll in 1959. Watching the film I wasn’t sure whether this was the real Mrs Handler or an actor.
For the record it helps going to your Creator and asking what your purpose in life is, what you have been designed for.
Here Mrs Handler tells Barbie that her story has no set ending, it’s for her to make key decisions. Barbie is named after Mrs Handler’s daughter – that’s important. For she goes on to explain that mothers strive to make the world better for their daughters, sometimes making lots of sacrifices in the process.
Sadly there are no sacrifices in Barbieland: no need, no real love. But of course, sacrifice – that is, self-giving love, is in the heart of our own Creator.
And as Barbie is being pursued by Mattel’s CEO, in fact, the entire Mattel board, demanding that Barbie get “back in the box,” we too need to make sure that “the world around you does not squeeze you into its own mould.” (Romans 12:2 JBP translation)
As Weird Barbie helpfully explains: “You have to go to the real world. You can go back to your regular life, and forget any of this ever happened. Or you can know the truth about the universe.”
And of course, the truth about the universe is a person.